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GOOD ADVICE OF THE DAY
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s
the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “There’s no call
for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Terrorist Catch and Release Program US NAVY
GOOD CLEAN JOKE OF THE DAY
What did the farmer say when he lost his plow? Hey! Where's my plow?!?
Performance evaluations you hope you never see
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works well when
under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"Since my last report,
this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
Today's Top 10 Puns
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2.Two fish swim
into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
4.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says
"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who
refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6.A group of chess enthusiasts
checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because",
he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7.A woman has twins and gives them
up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8.These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can
prevent florist friars.
9.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.A man was driving on an icy, abandoned road when he noticed a road sign with half
of it torn clean off. 'That's a bad sign' he thought to himself.
Learn how to speak more goodly!
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